I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
