I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
