I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
