I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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