i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
