My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
