Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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