Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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