You just made me feel so damn special
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
