She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
