I want to walk on stilts...naked
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
