so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So apparently I’m into choking now
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