Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
