She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
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Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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