My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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