it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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