Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
