I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
