he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
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