you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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