I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
