I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
