I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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