Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
