Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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