I just cut my nipple shaving
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
