I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
