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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i think my mom watched the whole time
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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