My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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