I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
