TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
