Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I need a beard to bite.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
