I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
