I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
