I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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