Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
