My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
