Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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