In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
