Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
