we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
