I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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