It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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