When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
