We're facebook friends in real life
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
