Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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