At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
is it fun? or sober?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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