Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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