I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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