its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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