I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
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i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!