My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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