I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
