please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
