i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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