so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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