WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
